No Wanky Bollocks

A movement against bullshit in business

Surviving the 9-5, being different, and buzzkill frameworks

Hi, I am Juliana Jackson, and I have done a lot of fuck-ups. I am going to name this below blubber, the entrepreneur foreplay.

1. Biggest fuck up

So, fuck-ups.

I don’t know which of them was the biggest one, but I know they all resulted out of former ones.

I guess you could say that my professional life is a rollercoaster of fuck-ups.

OK, enough profanity.

I am Juliana, and I work in eCommerce. I have been doing it for ten years. Not only eCommerce, SaaS too. For the last two years at Omniconvert, sort of under a wizard title/role as a Chief Evangelist.

This is primarily me consulting Ecommerce brands on retention and customer lifetime value (I forgot to mention that got me the nickname – The CLV Lady). Besides that, I do mass education on sustainable eCommerce growth.

I guess I have an affinity or a “superpower,” as the positivity syndication committees names it, of being a good relationship builder.

This is a gift and curse that has taken me many times from being an employee to getting tired of it and going entrepreneur, going back to being an employee, and back to an entrepreneur. So, a rollercoaster.

The biggest reason for my success and fuckupness was always my insatiable curiosity.

I think you cannot commoditize curiosity. Because you cannot standardize individuality, and you cannot standardize passion. I think it’s something that some of us are born with (and it’s not Maybelline).

I think entrepreneurship is related to that crazy curiosity and your predisposition to put yourself out there to fuck up.

The fuckups part is an essential part of the journey of an entrepreneur.

Think of it like this. Your journey is your product. Your journey is your business.

I guess deliberately; you might want to change the world. But, still, until you get to achieve that deliberate goal, you have to go through a series of emerging events and a series of emerging learnings and unlearning that can ultimately set you up for whatever the hell you want to be successful in.

The fact that I am built like complete professional nonsense has made me into the worst hire possible. It’s a miracle I’m employed at the moment.

I mean, don’t get it twisted; I am fucking good at my job and what I do, but as an employee? Teammate? God forbid. I am completely lost in the sauce of corporate etiquettes, procedures, bureaucracy, and reporting. It bores me. So, I am just legit winging it, relying on my charm, sense of humor, and ability to be a great visionary and executioner.

2. Rant

Frameworks. Some are a buzzkill. For instance, I think the OKRs framework is BS.

Yes, you heard me.

I do not deny that it is a great way to align a company around objectives and results, and so on; I mean, internal alignment is excellent. But aren’t you supposed to grow smarter each quarter? Aren’t you supposed to learn and become better over that time?

So why are you holding yourself and others accountable for decisions or promises you made, or they made back when you guys weren’t as smart as you are now?

If not implemented and understood, everyone will chase shallow KPIs for the culture. It’s like a silo inside a silo—Inception movie vibes.

But anyway, here I am, pretending to be following it while doing work and holding myself accountable for the real fuckups I do. I am delivering what I’m supposed to deliver.

3. Useful Advice

So if you are still reading this, whoever you are and whatever you do, I want to leave you with something. If indeed you can recognize yourself in this mess.

Sometimes you don’t fit in. I know for a fact that I don’t.

But, I also know for a fact that I am not alone.

But that’s fine. Legends do not fit in, right?

So, because we crazy bastards need to survive, I want to share with you my survival kit throughout my ongoing identity crisis as an entrepreneur, daylighting as an intrapreneur.

Every time. EVERY TIME you want to do something or say something because the voice inside of you wants to come out, ask yourself two questions:

  1. Is it worth it?
  2. Would me saying/doing this change anything?

That’s my whole strategy of surviving in a 9-5 job while secretly plotting 6-7 business ideas in my head and never getting around to doing them.

My break is coming, though—one day.

Yours too.

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